


All Is Dark Where Thou Are Not

by mansikka



Series: Shade Falls On Us [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, POV Magnus Bane, Sick Alec Lightwood, Worried Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-26 12:17:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12058830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alec is deteriorating. Everything Magnus hoped he'd be able to do to help Alec isn't proving to be enough, and the worse his dependency is getting, the more Alec is losing himself. They're avoiding the subject, but Alec and Magnus have to come to terms with inevitability of what is going to happen to him.





	All Is Dark Where Thou Are Not

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> Just to warn you (though that might mean nothing; I'm a wuss) I cried writing this, I cried editing it, and I'm crying as I'm proofreading it now... but I can promise, although it looks like a certain thing is going to happen... it really isn't. Promise. 
> 
> There is, however, still a lot of talk about what this addiction/dependency is doing to Alec, just to forewarn you...
> 
> x

To have to observe Alec as the addiction to the venom begins to take effect is… agonizing.  

Magnus watches as he twitches in his sleep, stares at the increasingly drawn look on his face in between doses, and tries not to stare as Alec paces about the apartment mumbling under his breath that he doesn’t need anything at all.

Since he got back from that first hunt for the Odzer demons that have done this to him, it’s like a switch has flipped for Alec. Magnus can’t get the image of the haunted, hungry look in his eyes when he’d portaled in to the loft carrying two cages stuffed with them, relieved to be able to stop moving, though knowing he had his work cut out for him before he could earn himself a break.

“That’s them?” Alec had said, his voice twisting up in both need and disgust, stepping closer for a second before charging out of the room and not waiting for an answer.

Magnus had milked all of them dry then disposed of their carcuses, studied the harmless-looking bile yellow liquid, and spent an age swirling it in one of the jars he’d collected it in, trying to work out how best to disguise it for Alec to want to even take it.

He’d just been through the process of trying to disguise its color, pouring a sample into an opaque frosted glass, when Alec had staggered through and leaned in the doorway, glaring at the glass in his hand and breathing hard.

“I can smell it,” he’d bitten out, his eyes narrowing and his nostrils flaring, the tension of his body showing he was trying to hold himself back as much as his instinct was trying to drive him forward.

“I—”

“I need it,” he’d added, his voice broken and desperate, staggering forward and falling to his knees beside him on the carpet, unable to snatch his eyes away from the glass.

His hands had trembled as Magnus had held the glass out to him, tears budding in his eyes and shaking his head in denial of what was happening to him. Magnus thinks he can still feel the bruising crush of his hand all this time later, not wanting Alec to have to go through even that first drinking of it alone.

That he’d immediately become brighter, color restored to his cheeks, and his shoulders dropping in relaxation, was both a blessing and a curse.

It’s not an addiction, Magnus tells himself again as he tries to synthesize another batch of the venom, it’s a dependency. Something Alec needs to keep him whole; not something that gives him a high to come down from, nothing like that. If it was that simple, Magnus huffs to himself, he'd find a way to help him get  _over_ the addiction. There'd be a light at the end of this awful tunnel, instead of this great unknown they're facing.

Magnus swirls the cloudy sample in the boiler tube he’s holding and wonders if this will be the spell and synthesis that might stick, trying to inject some hope into the thought.

“That’s it?” Alec says, breaking Magnus from staring at the swirling liquid in frustration, drawing his eyes to the way Alec’s throat ripples in what looks like both need and loathing.

“It is,” he agrees anyway, debates for a second before holding it out. They’ve worked out that if he has a small sample every eight hours that it keeps that hunted look from Alec’s face. Magnus fears that the deeper the venom takes root in him, that every eight hours might soon not be enough.  

“Got another two hours before I need it,” Alec replies, though he’s swallowing hard like he wants to snatch the tube from Magnus’ hands and lick it clean. He stays for another second then snatches himself away, and Magnus closes his eyes to the sound of him preparing them tea, pretending for a second it's just a normal day, and part of Alec's normal routine.

This is the third synthesis he’s tried, the first on his own, since Izzy had been present for the first two failed attempts. More worrying than how often Alec might eventually need this venom, is being overshadowed by the synthesized venom so far having nowhere near the same effect as the real thing.  

Judging by how much venom he drained from those two cages of Odzer demons, Magnus thinks they’ve got enough to last around six weeks, but he’s going to have to source some more, and he's going to have to do that often. They’re not the easiest things to find and entrap, and he fears that there are so few, comparatively speaking, that his efforts might hunt them into extinction.  

Which normally would be a great thing; less demons plaguing the world. Only without these ones, Alec will be… Alec is—  

Magnus can’t bear the thought of it, so carefully drops the tube down into its rack and follows Alec through to the kitchen, turning and crowding him back against the counter.

“Hi,” Alec smiles against his mouth, wrapping his hands around his waist and pulling him in closer.

“Hello,” Magnus replies as he folds against him, breathing Alec in as though he can freeze them in that very moment. He closes his eyes, wills time itself to stop, then begs it to reverse. Take him back to before the attack that's left Alec like this, so he can defend and protect him himself.

“You wanna… go somewhere tonight?” Alec asks a little later, so softly that it tickles against his ear.

Magnus closes his eyes at the way Alec is mouthing up the length of his neck, desperate to live in the moment and not fritter thoughts away for anything with the label of _future_ —even if it is just a few hours away until the evening that Alec is talking about.

“Did you have somewhere in mind?” he says anyway, not wanting Alec to sense the maudlin tone in his mood.

“What about that Greek place we went to?” he suggests, pulling Magnus in tight for a hug and sighing happily into his shoulder, as though there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. As though everything is normal.

That’s the thing with this venom, Magnus thinks to himself, blinking back what feels like the gritty, constant presence of tears, Alec _is_ normal. In between doses he is nothing but his normal, beautiful self; affectionate, passionate, caring—and climbing the walls a little for the way he can’t currently work.

He knows Alec’s finding that tougher than he’s telling him, but Magnus doesn’t blame him for that.

“You really like those keftedes,” Magnus smiles, injecting a little more force into it.

“Those meatball things? Yes,” Alec says decisively, dropping a final kiss on his cheek before turning away to prepare their tea.

“Then that is what we shall have,” Magnus tells him, and of course, by _that Greek place_ Alec means the estiatorio they’ve now been to a few times in Nafplio on the Greek coast. If only he could use his magic for more than taking Alec to his favorite places, Magnus thinks, wishing there was power in his fingertips to take away this need for the Odzer venom. How he’d trade all of his magic abilities for that.

It’s only going to get worse. Neither of them have acknowledged that, or what that might mean, and Magnus has promised himself just a couple more selfish days of ignoring the problem. The problem is, Alec seems more than happy to do the same. He’s busying himself with Magnus’ bookshelves, learning things about the Downworld that he’s never taken the time to get to know before now. He’s sparring daily with Jace, and even Clary sometimes when they come by the apartment; Magnus has converted a spare room into an approximation of the gym equipment he knows Alec favors using, and doesn’t mind admitting that he often gets distracted by the view of him training in there shirtless. Even if it's obvious just how weak he still gets out of nowhere at times.

But this bubble they’ve trapped themselves in can’t last indefinitely. They’re avoiding talking about so many things. And it’s unhealthy; not just for Alec’s health and wellbeing, but for their relationship. And though Magnus is fairly sure that’s not truly going to be in jeopardy, he can’t help but add it to the list of things to worry about.  

“I love you, Alexander,” he blurts out without thinking, and though it’s not an uncommon thing for him to say, the flinch on Alec’s face says he knows where Magnus’ mind has been wandering—if not exactly to where, then at least the general subject.

“I love you,” he replies, giving a bittersweet smile that says he knows a difficult talk is coming. He gathers him close again, and Magnus closes his eyes once more to shut the entire world out.

* * *

“I love you,”

Magnus smiles at Alec’s words, traces a thumb over the jaw he’s angling up, and takes the hint to lean down and kiss him, closing his eyes at the way Alec blasts out a gasp against his mouth as he rolls his hips.

“I love you too,” he whispers, mouthing his way down to his neck and dropping his head there, flattening his hands out against the sheets and drawing his hips back, only so he can fill him once again.  

Alec is beautiful like this, Magnus thinks, as he always thinks when he’s inside him. Or just with him, in any way, he amends with a smile pressed into his skin. But like this, laid bare, laid open, only for him; a willingly vulnerable Alec laying pliant beneath him, is truly one of the most exquisite things Magnus has ever known in his world.

“Magnus…” Alec groans out, stroking a wide hand down the length of his back and resting them both in the dip of his waist, splaying his legs a little wider as he rolls up to meet him.

If he could, Magnus thinks, he would live in this moment. When the two of them are joined together in their bed, and nothing outside of that room there counts. He’d stay, safe in the sensuality of Alec's skin, succumbing only to his whispers for more, and words of endearment and encouragement. There would be nothing else; no responsibilities being overlooked, no fear of the unknown closing in around them, nothing that made either of them lose sleep, or made them worry. Nothing but each other, and being together.

They do have that, Magnus thinks to himself, lifting his hand to slot beneath Alec’s neck. They are that; it’s just they aren’t that all of the time. And that unknown is sweeping in on them faster than Magnus had even feared would happen; Alec’s lost in the throes of passion with him just now, but once they’re finished, there is no way of knowing how many minutes will pass before that insatiable urge for venom will come creeping back.

Magnus tries not to think of it. Feels the softness of Alec’s hair beneath his fingers, watches every parted lip and gasp, smiles through every arch and tremble beneath him, and lets out his own groans of pleasure the closer they get.

Alec is a wonder. A vocal, open, beautiful wonder, drawing Magnus into him as though he’ll never get enough.  

Magnus won’t ever get enough of him, he knows that.

The thought has an unwanted sob threaten to burst from his throat, and Magnus covers it up with a harder snap of his hips that leaves Alec’s mouth gaping open and his eyes fluttering closed. Magnus takes advantage of his lengthened neck as he arches to mouth and nibble at his pulse point, smiling for Alec’s instant reaction in the form of a stuttered out groan.

Magnus does it again, snaps his hips in the perfect spot that leaves Alec whimpering, and Magnus forces himself to think only of this; the deepening of Alec’s groans, the speeding up of his heart, the way his hips roll and flex and urge him even deeper to him until he’s arching up, calling out, splattering a mess between their chests and slumping back against the bed with a tired groan.

It doesn’t take Magnus long to follow him, tucking his face into Alec’s neck just in case there’s some unwanted, unshed tears lingering, allowing himself the pleasure of forgetting as he comes, losing himself in the feel of Alec fluttering and clenching around him.

“I love you,” Alec repeats sleepily, pressing it into his hair as he sweeps his hands up Magnus’ back and hugs him tight, sighing happily sated beneath him.

“I love you too,” Magnus answers, first into his shoulder, then raising himself up enough to say it to his face. It doesn’t feel like it’s something he’s going to ever say enough. “I love you, so much,”

“Always will,” Alec adds, already beginning to fall asleep, and Magnus knows he’ll have a few minutes reprieve from the fear of the venom as he does.

Oh, Alec, Magnus thinks, pleading with himself not to be tearing up yet again;  _always_ is such a difficult concept for them. Such a taunting word.  

“I’ll always love you,” he whispers back, knowing without a doubt that it is his truth; no matter what happens, no matter how long he gets. He will always, always love Alec.

* * *

“How are you feeling?”

Alec blinks himself awake at Magnus’ words, and Magnus can’t hide the relief he feels when his eyes begin to focus on his own.

“Not great,” Alec says carefully, after a minute to pause and stare at him, and Magnus tries to concentrate on the hair he’s pushing back from Alec’s forehead, the stubble of his chin against his palm, the way his lips press together then part in invitation, and distracts himself by leaning down for a desperate kiss.

That Alec’s stopped trying to pretend he’s doing okay is not a surprise given all he’s going through, but it’s still nothing short of alarming for Magnus to hear his acknowledgement. Magnus, who’s watched him carefully all these past weeks, noticing more deterioration in Alec during the periods between his venom doses, glaring at the clock for every reduced minute he manages to go without.  

After a horrible night where Alec had howled and coiled into himself in the desperation of trying to fight his need for the venom, they’d both relented and added a fourth dose, meaning their lives are now lived in periods of six hours, and even that looks like it might soon be slipping to five. And with the speed this need is growing in—  

I’m losing him, Magnus thinks, a desperate gasp blasting out of him before he can rein it in, and Alec looks so sorry for him, so guilty, it’s enough to force another one up.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you more,” Magnus cries before Alec can even part his lips to speak, tucking it into Alec’s neck and pleading with time not to take him already, because he’s not ready. He’s not; he’ll never be ready for that, but he thought he had years to get used to the idea, instead of the months, weeks, _days_ it feels like the venom has reduced them to.

Magnus has never felt so useless in his very long life.

“Not your fault,” Alec tells him, hugging him closer, his own tears thickening his words.

Alec is being so strong through this, so stoic, pasting on smiles for their visiting friends, casting secret glances in Magnus’ direction when he feels his need getting too much, and though it’s an honor that Alec would share every part of himself with him, Magnus wishes, more than anything, that this was an ordeal neither of them had to bear.

In the quiet of their room they hold each other, quiet tears cascading their way down to fall on to each other’s necks. There are gentle fingers, soft kisses, and an overwhelming ache that underwrites everything.  

I’m losing him, Magnus thinks again, sending out a fresh burst of tears.

“We… we can’t keep going on like this,” Alec says, his words coming out cracked and broken, partly for his tears, and partly for the constant tiredness that seems to have taken over him. The hope that Alec taking the venom would restore him to something resembling his former self, perhaps even allow him to live a little normally, was a dream they had both been foolish enough to have.  

The Odzer venom has taken over every aspect of him. And though Alec is still very much himself, he is… slipping. Every time he goes, it takes him a little longer to come back, and Magnus can’t help but think of that abyss he’d been suspended in at the very start of this nightmare, that he’s sure no words could ever describe.

“I know,” Magnus agrees with a painful swallow, pressing a long, lingering kiss to his jawline as he composes himself enough to look up.

“How… how long do you think…” Alec tries to say, which does neither of them any good, because they’re burying into one another all over again, fresh tears leaking on to each other’s throats.

Magnus thinks of the third, more difficult hunt he recently had for the Odzer demons, the milked venom that’s slowly depleting, the synthesized venom that does nothing but take the edge off Alec’s need for little under an hour, and does calculations in his head that he’s been avoiding, yet doing subconsciously all the same.

“I think,” he begins to say, having to clear his throat, “I’ll need to go again in perhaps another week,”

“That’s… not what I meant,” Alec says, but it’s not really a reproach. His smile for him is so soft, and the caress against his cheek so loving, that Magnus finds himself falling forward and losing himself to tears all over again.  

Magnus thinks of Jace, who’s been using all of his free time to help him source and search for Odzer venom, and how frequently frustrated they’re both getting with the situation. He thinks Jace will probably kick both their asses for even talking like this, but these things have to be said; no matter how painful they are. No matter that neither of them want to hear the words, let alone have to say them—or how much they wish not a single one of them was true.  

“I… with the current venom we have… when we find more—”

“Magnus,” Alec urges, but it’s no louder than a whisper, and Alec stares up at him in determination for a real answer.

“I can’t be certain,”

“Try,” Alec says, stroking his fingers over his cheek again, calling Magnus to wrap his own fingers through to cup it there.

“I think,” he says, with a difficult swallow, “that… judging by how quickly you have… how quickly we have had to… up the dosages… if we can guarantee a steady supply of venom and perhaps… use the synthetic venom as a temporary, last resort in between—”

“Magnus—”

“ _Weeks_ ,” Magnus cries out helplessly, pressing his hand over his mouth to stop any more sobs bursting out, as though that will make any difference at all, “weeks, Alexander. My darling, you are becoming so dependent, that I fear in… in no more than a matter of weeks, you will be consumed by it. You will be taken from me,”

“Magnus…” Alec begins to say, thin and cracked, but there is nothing he can say to make thing any better.  

Silently, they hold each other. There is nothing left to add, no words of comfort either of them can offer.  

“What… what do you think’ll happen to me? When… when the venom takes over?”

Magnus scrunches up his eyes; to stop more tears or prevent nightmarish images forming, he doesn't know, but either way it’s pointless.

“I think,” he says, in a halting, broken voice, “that… that physically, you’ll just… fade away. I don’t… I don’t know how long your… your body will… last. I think that for that duration, however—however long that might be—that your mind will… will return to that… that suspension you experienced. Further than that, I cannot… I cannot imagine,”

“Will I remember anything?” Alec asks, and the calm way he’s asking even though his fear and sorrow is evident makes Magnus want to pull him in tighter and never let him go.

“I don’t know, Alexander,” he whispers, “truly, I don’t,”

“I’d prefer not to,” Alec says then, and the steel in his voice has Magnus’ stomach flipping.

“No,” he says, swallowing with difficulty, “no, I can… I can imagine not,”

“I don’t wanna forget any second of my time with you,” Alec adds, choking up, and for a second his stoicism drops, tucking himself beneath Magnus’ chin and allowing himself to cry.

“I know,” Magnus agrees, because what else is there for him to say?

“You think maybe that’s something you can do for me? Before I go?”

“What?” Magnus asks, following Alec as he rolls on to his side and tangles their fingers together.

“Wipe my memories. Of… of everything. Maybe that’ll make it easier,”

Magnus stares back at Alec imagining never having known him, and is certain he feels his heart crack.

“It’s… if it’s something you truly want, then when the time comes… of course,”

“When the time comes,” Alec repeats with a frown, briefly closing his eyes.

“Alec—”

“How come I won’t just… turn into some kind of demon?” Alec asks then, shifting a little so they’re curled even closer together.

Magnus thinks about that, and decides a best guess is his only way of answering. “I would imagine that… well, firstly, it’s venom that you’re… ingesting, not demon blood,”

“True,” Alec agrees, nodding his head a fraction.

“And also because… because you need the venom, to… to—”

“Function?” Alec suggests, both of them hearing other words without needing them to be spoken out loud. _Live. Exist. Survive._

“Yes,” Magnus smiles, a bitter, twisted thing, thankful only that Alec does his best to return it—to keep _him_ buoyed. He loves Alec so very much, he thinks again, desperation creeping through him so fast he has to suck in a hard breath to prevent yet more tears spilling out.

“So…”

“So because the venom is… it becomes a part of you… part of what sustains you, it is not like your… your body is not being invaded, or taken over by it. It is, in many ways, but… it is different to blood,”

“So what if… what if we injected me with… with Odzer venom? What happens then?” Alec asks, frowning a little at the thought. Magnus wants to reach out and kiss the frown away, but it’s not going to help.

“Well,” Magnus swallows, again fighting back an onslaught of unwanted images, “I would imagine that… it will be no different to you drinking it. But if it _is_ different, because the venom is becoming a part of you— _is_ , a part of you, that it will... I don’t like to think about the way your immune system will try to fight it,”

“But if a regular demon—any other demon bites you, it’s not—”

“It’s the same thing,” Magnus smiles, “when you get bitten by a demon, your body will produce antibodies to fight off the antigen that is demon blood, or whatever other poisons they push into your skin. That’s why demon bites become inflamed as they do, because your body’s trying to fight it,”

“But the blood—the demon blood, is stronger than that,” Alec insists, shaking his head against the pillow, “that’s… that’s why demon poxy—”

“Alec,” Magnus says, backing it up with a kiss, “you’re not going to turn into anything like those poor, unfortunate souls,”

“No, I know,” Alec agrees, leaning in for his own kiss, “and besides; he’d hate me for asking, but if that looked like it was really gonna happen, then Jace would… would—”

“He would not,” Magnus denies, adamantly shaking his head.

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, “it’s okay. He… I… _we_ both agreed, a long time ago that… that if anything like… well. Neither of us imagined exactly _this_ happening—”

“Alec—”

“That we’d be there for each other to… it’s not something I’d ever ask you to do. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t put you through it,”

Magnus tries to take comfort in that, but it’s too painful to hear, let alone have to consider, and he’s closing his eyes to the oncoming nightmare all over again.

“Magnus…”

Magnus forces his eyes open again to receive Alec’s smile, and does his best to return it, and for a few minutes there is nothing but staring between them. Then Alec is surging forward for a kiss, and Magnus is cradling the back of his head, pleading with himself not to cry again.

“I don’t wanna leave you, Magnus,” Alec cries then, his jaw trembling with the strength of his tears.

Magnus sucks in a breath, tries to find himself just enough strength to answer him, or even the words that might do anything to soothe. But he can't. The only words he can come up with are selfish ones that speak of his own desperation.

“I don’t want you to go,”

* * *

  

 


End file.
